you ain't nothin' but a dead duck; i ain't nothin', but a hound dog

I will never feel more relaxed and at peace with both myself, and the world, than when I listen to Brand New.

Jesse Lacey, you're a brilliant man.

fix you with cement galloshes.

I'm feeling so isolated and antisocial over the last few days. I'm not even putting in an effort anymore, and it feels like I'm slowly shutting down on the inside, like I'm retreating into some kind of fucking fantasy world.

I don't even feel realistic anymore. There's no reason for me to be depressed. My life is amazing, I'm so much better off than so many people, so why do I feel the need to complain all the time? But, because I'm aware of this, I feel like that's why I'm not discussing it; because I have no explanation as to why it's happening.

I think though, if I actually can overcome this by myself, it'll accomplish so much more than when I simply rely on others to get me through the hard times. Like, maybe I'll be able to finally man up and get over all of this.

fly to live; aces high.

I'm enjoying life. Everything is going so amazing. A renewed interest in guitar provides me with an outlet for boredom, my allergies are gone, and I'm finally showing initiative and studying for my business exam (which is on Friday).

I should maybe be stressing at least a little bit about my upcoming exams, but I feel like I can cruise through them. If I don't set goals, I won't be let down, and I'm 100% sure I won't fail anything (except for maybe business, which is why I'm studying).

I no longer feel that I let myself down. I'm happy with myself and the things I do. Or, at least I am for now, and considering this is usually the point where I'm depressed as ever, I think it's an amazing accomplishment for me.

I'm actually feeling content with everything. The fact I can just sit through Shuffle without feeling the need to change anything is pretty neat, and fairly symbolic; everything that's getting thrown at me is different, but still somewhat enjoyable and I can deal with it.

For once, I am truly happy.

cut myself wide open on this stage as I am paid to spill my guts

This isn't a place for the events of my life. The people who read this are probably pretty aware of what's going on with me, and I think it's pretty cool that I don't have to rehash anything here, it's all just new material that relates to the side of me even those few rarely see.

Last night, some shit happened, and I got fairly upset. I'm not going to go into it, because almost no one knows and I don't feel like talking about it, but I realize now how lucky I am to have friends that are there to support me when I really need it.

If anything, this update is just here to say thankyou to all of those people I really do care about; you make my life a much easier task to live, and the level of gratitude I feel towards all of you really doesn't have words.

This is directed to all of you who play a part in the mixed-genre series of my life; the people I can trust with my secrets, the people who offer distractions from the monotony of real life, the people I can have real conversations with and even the people who I just joke around with:

you guys honestly mean the world to me.

mourn the rubble before the dust hits the floor.

I've been so angry today. I have no idea what's going on, I'm just frustrated with myself, even though I've been so happy lately. Life seems to be going perfectly, I've got an amazing weekend coming up and I've been looking forward to it for so long, I just find it strange to get in such a bad mood today of all days.

To be honest, I'm expecting to be severely let down this weekend. It's as if my life was going too well lately, I have to be ready for it to come crashing down around me.

It's days like this which is why I'll never understand myself fully.

the realization that I still don't know what I'm doing here.

In recent days, I've truly come to appreciate Isolation as an album. There's something about it that can enhance any situation, yet bring rationality to one's mind in the span of a 25 minute, 10 song masterpiece of Australian music. I also find that it is ironic that this album has kept me from feeling utterly isolated from everyone and everything lately.

I've been feeling really stable lately. I've gotten depressed and angry, but for the most part, I've tried to deal with it maturely, and I honestly believe that I have. However, that being said, I'm expecting a lot of neutrality and apathy in my actions in the future, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose it's not fantastic either, but it could be far worse, in my eyes anyway.

I still can't shift the blame back onto stress or anxiety from school for when I feel strange, but at least I feel like I know the cause of my stability; my friends and my music, the two things I could not live without.

You never know, my cash coming in could buy me some temporary happiness, and I know exactly the first item I'm picking up; Isolation.

every man needs a muse.

I'm not in the fucking mood for life.

I'm sick. I've struggled to fucking breathe all day, every time I close my eyes they water, which really isn't helping the way I feel. My nose is killing me, and the pressure on my chest is unbelievable.

I'm constantly tired. I can't fall asleep at night, I don't know if it's because of the holidays, daylight savings time or the fact I constantly have things on my mind, but I feel like I'm always awake, never getting a chance to truly appreciate sleep, and sleep is one of the many things I need right now.

I've been back at school two days, and already, massive mood swings and a lot of depression is hitting me. When I'm with my friends, I can manage, but at nearly any other point, something will set me off, and I just feel empty, alone and pathetic to be feeling like this, to have fallen so far from the confident, life-loving Nick of the holidays.

I'm feeling like everything I've ever felt was a lie, a deception. I'm second guessing myself constantly, and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to break that 27-month streak of not crying and just get shit out of my system, yell, break shit, whatever. I need to do something to let off steam, and I just can't find the right outlet. And, honestly, I need to find a way soon, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I never thought I'd be this person.