Sunday, September 27, 2009

and if i had a chance to do it all again.

I'm discovering things about myself that have been there all along. Persistence, dedication, and a certain level of charm. I think it's good that I'm finding parts of myself I don't utterly despise.

Rock and roll.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

independent we stand, independent we fall.

I'm surprised. That idea of the cliched movie character, I never thought that could actually happen in real life. But, a year on and here we are. It's starting to outwardly influence my mood, which is never a good thing, especially when it's over something you have every intention of keeping to yourself.

I'm turning to anything to occupy myself, something to take my mind to the innocent moments of my childhood, something that allows me to seem like a different person. In that world, I'd be someone of note, a trainer who excelled at what he set out to do. But in this world, I am nothing of note, utterly outclassed by the people around me, so it's no wonder this is what I have been reduced to.

No more literary metaphors, I'm sick of complaining. Writing here doesn't help anymore, I just force it to keep up my entries. Clearing my head is pointless when my head is entirely clear to begin with. And I'm out of veiled one-liners. Fuck it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

how darkly the dark hand met his end;

I feel like no matter how much changes, I will still find some way to relate to Ibsen's "Hedda Gabler". When I first read it, I was shocked at how much I related to Tesman, the naive man who was so devoted to the woman he cared so much about, blind to her faults, simple to the cruelty of the outside world. But recently, I'm not acting so much like Jorgen Tesman.

I think that when first receiving bad (possibly unfortunate is a better word for this scenario) news, the only appropriate action is denial. It's what makes us human, we will fight off the idea that something is not as it seems, regardless of the facts at hand. To be a human IS to be Jorgen Tesman in a way, that ability to turn a blind eye to the negatives and only focus on the positives is inherent in all people.

But, to be Ejlert Lovborg is something different entirely. To know full well of the manipulations and machinations of the people around us, and yet remain there as something you initially had no desire to take part in, is not quite foolishness. The foolishness remains in his questioning of Hedda's motives, to ask if she was being honest with him, to believe there was that connection, that is Lovborg's fatal flaw; he cares.

However, is it really a flaw to care? We, as people, are not a carbon copy of Dexter Morgan, and trying to be can only isolate us, turning us into a shadow of Patrick Bateman, the anger associated with trying to rid one's self of emotion can often lead to a temporary loss of sanity for as long as we attempt this foolish endeavour.

But I digress; there is no shame in finding similarity with Lovborg, I've come to realize. Lovborg is the one character that shows strength enough to move out of the puppeteer-like control of Hedda. Here's to hoping that when I finally find my Thea Elvsted, the person who can provide me with genuine inspiration and compassion, I can make a 'beautiful' exit on my comrade. Ha.