Thursday, October 30, 2008

mourn the rubble before the dust hits the floor.

I've been so angry today. I have no idea what's going on, I'm just frustrated with myself, even though I've been so happy lately. Life seems to be going perfectly, I've got an amazing weekend coming up and I've been looking forward to it for so long, I just find it strange to get in such a bad mood today of all days.

To be honest, I'm expecting to be severely let down this weekend. It's as if my life was going too well lately, I have to be ready for it to come crashing down around me.

It's days like this which is why I'll never understand myself fully.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

the realization that I still don't know what I'm doing here.

In recent days, I've truly come to appreciate Isolation as an album. There's something about it that can enhance any situation, yet bring rationality to one's mind in the span of a 25 minute, 10 song masterpiece of Australian music. I also find that it is ironic that this album has kept me from feeling utterly isolated from everyone and everything lately.

I've been feeling really stable lately. I've gotten depressed and angry, but for the most part, I've tried to deal with it maturely, and I honestly believe that I have. However, that being said, I'm expecting a lot of neutrality and apathy in my actions in the future, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose it's not fantastic either, but it could be far worse, in my eyes anyway.

I still can't shift the blame back onto stress or anxiety from school for when I feel strange, but at least I feel like I know the cause of my stability; my friends and my music, the two things I could not live without.

You never know, my cash coming in could buy me some temporary happiness, and I know exactly the first item I'm picking up; Isolation.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

every man needs a muse.

I'm not in the fucking mood for life.

I'm sick. I've struggled to fucking breathe all day, every time I close my eyes they water, which really isn't helping the way I feel. My nose is killing me, and the pressure on my chest is unbelievable.

I'm constantly tired. I can't fall asleep at night, I don't know if it's because of the holidays, daylight savings time or the fact I constantly have things on my mind, but I feel like I'm always awake, never getting a chance to truly appreciate sleep, and sleep is one of the many things I need right now.

I've been back at school two days, and already, massive mood swings and a lot of depression is hitting me. When I'm with my friends, I can manage, but at nearly any other point, something will set me off, and I just feel empty, alone and pathetic to be feeling like this, to have fallen so far from the confident, life-loving Nick of the holidays.

I'm feeling like everything I've ever felt was a lie, a deception. I'm second guessing myself constantly, and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to break that 27-month streak of not crying and just get shit out of my system, yell, break shit, whatever. I need to do something to let off steam, and I just can't find the right outlet. And, honestly, I need to find a way soon, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I never thought I'd be this person.

Monday, October 6, 2008

close your eyes to see.

Well, after a fortnight of paradise, I have to descend back into the world that, quite frankly, I don't want to be a part of. I'm not going to go on about school, because I'll assume all my frequent readers know my opinion on that, but I will say I'm about ready to quit the whole ordeal.

Tonight is weird. I'm not depressed, but I feel entirely empty and, pretty much, without a point in my life. I'm going to say this in the least suicidal way possible, but I have entirely no point for living. Don't get me wrong, my life is ace, but I have no goals, no aspirations, nothing to wake up for in the morning, and the fact of the matter is, it absolutely sucks. The holidays were awesome, because not only was I not confined to a schedule, I had things to attain, goals and whatnot. I guess when I keep myself occupied, there's a lot less time to think about the things I'm lacking, and with school coming back, I now have all the time in the world to waste on these thoughts.

I guess I'll just have to wait it out until the Christmas holidays to start enjoying myself and life again. Oh well. Only a month and a half until exams, and then I can make the transition from apathy to wholehearted enjoyment.

Let's see if I make it.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

looking to start an ETID-influenced band.

Got some riffs going, looking for people who are interested and can bring something to the mix.

Contact me on myspace or MSN and let me know, I want to get this started pretty soon if at all possible.


Think about the possibilities.