Friday, November 13, 2009

there's no lyrics for this entry.

Whenever I listen to "Your Hand In Mine", I feel like I want to be in love. It's the kind of song you'd be with someone to, the kind of song that would play as you watched the sunset or something. This sentimentality has encompassed my life lately, and as much as I try to fight it off, part of me doesn't even want to. This lets me feel something, lets me hope that one day I can have this and be as happy as I feel when I'm listening to this and imagining it.

I think I'm going to spend this summer taking chances and trying to find this idea of true love. It's really stupid, especially at the age of almost-18, when I should really just be having fun and doing stupid things that don't involve making a lifelong commitment, but I don't want to. I think that this summer would be best spent in disappointment and heartbreak. This is another one of my finest decisions.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

lonely train.

This is another night of plans falling through, another night of regression and reclusion, but most importantly, it's another night where cynicism and logic moves back to make room for regret, sentimentality and most of all, loneliness. It's nights like these that impact upon me the most.

I often worry about losing the people that I hold closest to me. I feel like I haven't carved a suitable enough mark on their lives, and it concerns me that one day they could all just wake up and decide that they didn't need me anymore. I suppose it's a common and human concern; I don't find it hard to believe that people worry about losing the people they care about the most. I just wish there was a way that I could get a break from these thoughts, have my mind at ease for just a few days.

But now I've realized that these problems are only going to get worse from here on out. School's over, I'm not going to see everyone every day, which means my impact on their lives are going to decrease. What if I wake up one day in 3 or 4 years and just realize that I've lost everyone? I'm someone who relies on other people to live, I can't be a solitary person for an extended period of time. The thought of it scares me to death.

Friday, November 6, 2009

blood lost in a bathroom stall.

Well, the school portion of my life is almost over. I have one exam left, and I feel proud to say that I will have passed, and passed fairly decently, with less than the bare minimum.

I decided to write this update for the usual reason of clearing my head, but really, my head is the clearest it's been in months. I know why the stupid thoughts I have are there, I know the way to avoid them, and I know about the loneliness that is really the reason behind both of those problems.

I know there's no way I'll get what I want, so I'll take the bare minimum. I'm used to that by now, and even though it's frustrating, it's the way I work. That idea of keeping certain people in your life, no matter how shit it is under the circumstances, is something I've grown to be a part of.

This is a bad update. But I haven't done one in a while. I often wonder, 'what if I had started this blog and only done updates in the style of Something Awful?' Well, this blog would be more entertaining, probably. But, it would also accomplish nothing.