Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i thought you'd mean it.

Me and Him Call It Us is the band I wish I was in. Sure, it would be over now, but there would be that sense of accomplishment for making the noise I currently do as a half-hearted joke. I wish National Sunday Law Crisis would be more, but it's never really played out like that. I can't find anyone interested in grind, I can't find any jazz guitarists willing to experiment, and I want to try this in a new group of people.

Unfortunately, new people aren't that easy to come by.

I almost didn't write about this. I had a different ending, I was willing to just bypass it, maybe try and play it down. But it feels so strange to be rejected by someone you worked so hard for, even if I have spent the last few years rejecting him. Although, that is the reason behind my resentment. As a child, no one wants to be seen as responsible for their father's death. And considering I was probably the reason behind the divorce, I thought I may as well give it my all to make sure he didn't kill himself. And then he found a reason to be happy, and I wasn't needed anymore.

The idea of being replaced is something I've grown to fear so much. I try to make myself essential to my friends, try to offer something they could never replace. I guess that could be another reason behind National Sunday Law Crisis; something unique and unforgettable. It's really not. It's not funny, it's not good. It's memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. Maybe that's why I fit into it so well. Maybe that's why I desire for it to succeed so much. Maybe if this awful thing can find it's way into the hearts of some, the same could be said for me.

Really, if I cared for my friends, I'd encourage them to replace me. After all, I'm the one who condones editing a friend group to make it the best of the best. Keeping me in is a stupid play on any account. I'm a liability, a wild card depending on the day. Anyone who I've had respect for thus far should know that, and should deal with that accordingly.

It's just another one of those fucking nights where I realize nothing is going right anymore, and I'm powerless to fix it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

your words fly like secret pathways through my spine.

I like how I don't learn from the past and from my most painful mistakes. I like how I operate with blind optimism and hope, despite already having lived this. I like how I can function in these circumstances better than I can under real pressure, considering in these I know I'll end up with nothing contrasted against the stressful days when I end up with everything.

It's kind of morbid to even consider this again. But really, it's the one thing that would solidly improve my life. Or so it appears.

I also like that this is my most powerful occasion of having nothing but contempt for the human race, yet it's the most content I've been in months.

As this entry shows, I like my life the most when I'm a fucking idiot. Oh well.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

if i wanted to die before i got old, i should've started some years ago.

I remember I had a reason for writing this. Not just in this case, because I've forgotten the basic point I hoped to achieve, but as a blog. I used it to get the facts out and work out the problems in my life in a logical, Holmes-ian way. These days, not so much.

I'm counting down the days until I'm out of this pattern I've had myself in for the last 13 years. Changes over time, but still the same old formula of the same old people and the same old activities. And as with majority of constants, the process gets old and tired before long and leaves you wanting something new, something different. Hell, something terrifying, even.

I don't even have escapism anymore. The brief attempts to alleviate my condition of overthinking and get myself out of my head no longer work, perhaps the fact that it's just a placebo has been realized.

I'm not going to finish this. I wish I had spent more energy on this earlier, but right now, I don't have the fucking effort in me. A break can really take it out of you.

And new Brand New is fucking disappointing. Fuck you Jesse Lacey, you piece of shit.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

i know i'm not useful anyhow, so let me stick around.

This blog of mine is fucked and bi-polar. Every entry contradicts the last. But I'm a sucker for routine, so this will be no exception.

However, this isn't a complaining entry. It's not an entry where I say "what's wrong with me, because something clearly is." I lack confidence, I lack social skills in specific situations, and I push away the people around me. However, I lack confidence from my past views of myself, I lack those direst social skills due to my disappearance of confidence under the influence of alcohol that provides an escape from my own head, and I push away the people who care about me because, is it possible, they aren't what I need?

I've become apathetic about life, and, excuse the pun, I don't care. I'm content with that fact, because in reality, apathy is one of the things that can really get me through, and I'm so sure of it. Apathy excludes that part of my brain that can't seem to tell the difference between physical and actual attraction, so it's really a required trait these days. Or, it would be, if I could ever manage to hook up.

I'm looking forward to culling my friend group down to a specific minimum, and then inviting in the people I wish I were better friends with. It's an interesting process, breeding out the bad genes yet keeping the ones that are essential to the survival of, well, me. I suppose it's probably bad to look at my past experiences with friends as just that, experiments to achieve my own ends, but the apathy kicks in here too, reassuring myself that if I don't look out for myself above others, I'll never have my dreams come true.

There are those small amount that I do value above all else. Well, out of everyone, it's an even smaller amount that fall into that category. I no longer look at myself and think, "you're being an idiot, you're being a self-destructive idiot", because in reality, I'm doing what I need to. I think that my recent past experiences have taught me that, and it's something I need to remember.

I think that maybe I'm beginning to live my life by Jack Shepherd's famous line, "live together, die alone", that while I can be surrounded by all the people currently in my life, at the end of the day, it's only me that I can count on. And I'm proud that it's finally kicking in.

So expect another entry when I change my mind again and decide to develop feelings for someone I'm blatantly incompatible with just because of a sense of unity in one tiny aspect of life, or a newfound appreciation and respect for something I might have known if I had simply open my mouth and talked to someone before making a judgement call. Or maybe my life will end up perfect and I will never have to use this again with the exception of gloating about how it all worked out for me and how I did it on my own.

Ha. Good one.