Thursday, October 15, 2009

icelandic lyrics.

Were my life a TV show, with seperate arcs representing my daily 'trials', I feel that this blog is what the narrator would have to offer the audience at the beginning and end of the episodes. And, as my life is, I feel as though another arc may be wrapping up.

I feel I've learnt a lot from this chapter. I've learnt to work for the things I want, the people I want to be around me. But, at the same time, I now know that I have to learn to cut these things, and not get invested in a lost cause. And, perhaps the most important thing, no matter how impressive someone seems, there will always be someone similar, someone slightly different yet the same in everything you want.

There's part of me that wants to scrap this, not close this chapter so early on. There's something about this girl that's different, unique, something I want to work even harder to pursue, even I though I'm so aware that it'll end in depression and my usual form of seeing everything as tragedy. But, at the same time, that logical side knows it's best to put it to bed, focus on the upcoming weeks that will determine my next few years.

So maybe it's best to say that it's not abandoned, but put on hiatus. But then again, hiatus is just a way of easing the concept to those who aren't ready to hear that it's over. If it's good enough for Godspeed You! Black Emperor, it's good enough for me.

Friday, October 9, 2009

i try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies.

Brief lapse in my (hopefully) new attitude to life, last night. Lost confidence, and for a while was considering giving up on what I wanted to achieve. But, I reassessed the situation, and even though I pretty much fucked up again, I'm confident I can solve this.

I'm finally seeing good aspects of myself as well as the overwhelming list of negatives, and I'm seeing now that I do have potential. I have capability, I'm ingenuitive enough in new situations, and I can win a crowd over. I just need to remember this when I'm in the middle of it.

Improvement can take a while, but, again, I'm confident that I can fix this. Optimism feels so strange.

Monday, October 5, 2009

send this smile over you.

There's something comforting about nerves playing up, after they wear down a bit. You realize that, while they may have been acting up due to an unwanted outcome, there is always the desired outcome that could be lost. And while sometimes that may make you more nervous than before, it can also calm you down.

Far be it from me to be offering optimistic points of view, but I'm feeling a bit of a change in my actions and my being, lately. The confidence associated with this change I'm experiencing is good, and a welcome change from the general neurosis and pessimism. I think most importantly, I'm experiencing some well-needed relatability from people outside of my casual group, which both gets me out of my comfort zone, as well as shows me I'm really not alone in who I am.

I think this is probably what Billy Corgan will feel like after he finally gets Dave Grohl and finishes his Nirvana collection. I don't know if Krist Novoselic is dead, but hey, neither does the rest of the world.