blank.

I've never felt more emotional than I have lately. It might be because I'm getting less and less sleep, it might be because due to a lack of routine I spend countless hours overanalysing things, but I feel like it's mostly due to the fact I'm not resisting change anymore.

I think it's amazing that after all of these attempts to change the way I feel about things, it all came down to one word. I know that this blind hope of everything just falling into place is not something I should be solely relying on. I know I need to experience things, rather than isolating myself from the world because I feel like it has nothing to offer me.

It's easy enough to say all this now. Writing a blog does nothing to ensure change. In fact, if anything, it takes away the motivation by getting it out there and keeps me from dwelling on it, which is actually a good thing. I feel that I've taken enough measures to ensure that I'll follow through this time. I can't keep living like this, and this is the wake-up call I needed.

there's no lyrics for this entry.

Whenever I listen to "Your Hand In Mine", I feel like I want to be in love. It's the kind of song you'd be with someone to, the kind of song that would play as you watched the sunset or something. This sentimentality has encompassed my life lately, and as much as I try to fight it off, part of me doesn't even want to. This lets me feel something, lets me hope that one day I can have this and be as happy as I feel when I'm listening to this and imagining it.

I think I'm going to spend this summer taking chances and trying to find this idea of true love. It's really stupid, especially at the age of almost-18, when I should really just be having fun and doing stupid things that don't involve making a lifelong commitment, but I don't want to. I think that this summer would be best spent in disappointment and heartbreak. This is another one of my finest decisions.

lonely train.

This is another night of plans falling through, another night of regression and reclusion, but most importantly, it's another night where cynicism and logic moves back to make room for regret, sentimentality and most of all, loneliness. It's nights like these that impact upon me the most.

I often worry about losing the people that I hold closest to me. I feel like I haven't carved a suitable enough mark on their lives, and it concerns me that one day they could all just wake up and decide that they didn't need me anymore. I suppose it's a common and human concern; I don't find it hard to believe that people worry about losing the people they care about the most. I just wish there was a way that I could get a break from these thoughts, have my mind at ease for just a few days.

But now I've realized that these problems are only going to get worse from here on out. School's over, I'm not going to see everyone every day, which means my impact on their lives are going to decrease. What if I wake up one day in 3 or 4 years and just realize that I've lost everyone? I'm someone who relies on other people to live, I can't be a solitary person for an extended period of time. The thought of it scares me to death.

blood lost in a bathroom stall.

Well, the school portion of my life is almost over. I have one exam left, and I feel proud to say that I will have passed, and passed fairly decently, with less than the bare minimum.

I decided to write this update for the usual reason of clearing my head, but really, my head is the clearest it's been in months. I know why the stupid thoughts I have are there, I know the way to avoid them, and I know about the loneliness that is really the reason behind both of those problems.

I know there's no way I'll get what I want, so I'll take the bare minimum. I'm used to that by now, and even though it's frustrating, it's the way I work. That idea of keeping certain people in your life, no matter how shit it is under the circumstances, is something I've grown to be a part of.

This is a bad update. But I haven't done one in a while. I often wonder, 'what if I had started this blog and only done updates in the style of Something Awful?' Well, this blog would be more entertaining, probably. But, it would also accomplish nothing.

icelandic lyrics.

Were my life a TV show, with seperate arcs representing my daily 'trials', I feel that this blog is what the narrator would have to offer the audience at the beginning and end of the episodes. And, as my life is, I feel as though another arc may be wrapping up.

I feel I've learnt a lot from this chapter. I've learnt to work for the things I want, the people I want to be around me. But, at the same time, I now know that I have to learn to cut these things, and not get invested in a lost cause. And, perhaps the most important thing, no matter how impressive someone seems, there will always be someone similar, someone slightly different yet the same in everything you want.

There's part of me that wants to scrap this, not close this chapter so early on. There's something about this girl that's different, unique, something I want to work even harder to pursue, even I though I'm so aware that it'll end in depression and my usual form of seeing everything as tragedy. But, at the same time, that logical side knows it's best to put it to bed, focus on the upcoming weeks that will determine my next few years.

So maybe it's best to say that it's not abandoned, but put on hiatus. But then again, hiatus is just a way of easing the concept to those who aren't ready to hear that it's over. If it's good enough for Godspeed You! Black Emperor, it's good enough for me.

i try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies.

Brief lapse in my (hopefully) new attitude to life, last night. Lost confidence, and for a while was considering giving up on what I wanted to achieve. But, I reassessed the situation, and even though I pretty much fucked up again, I'm confident I can solve this.

I'm finally seeing good aspects of myself as well as the overwhelming list of negatives, and I'm seeing now that I do have potential. I have capability, I'm ingenuitive enough in new situations, and I can win a crowd over. I just need to remember this when I'm in the middle of it.

Improvement can take a while, but, again, I'm confident that I can fix this. Optimism feels so strange.

send this smile over you.

There's something comforting about nerves playing up, after they wear down a bit. You realize that, while they may have been acting up due to an unwanted outcome, there is always the desired outcome that could be lost. And while sometimes that may make you more nervous than before, it can also calm you down.

Far be it from me to be offering optimistic points of view, but I'm feeling a bit of a change in my actions and my being, lately. The confidence associated with this change I'm experiencing is good, and a welcome change from the general neurosis and pessimism. I think most importantly, I'm experiencing some well-needed relatability from people outside of my casual group, which both gets me out of my comfort zone, as well as shows me I'm really not alone in who I am.

I think this is probably what Billy Corgan will feel like after he finally gets Dave Grohl and finishes his Nirvana collection. I don't know if Krist Novoselic is dead, but hey, neither does the rest of the world.

and if i had a chance to do it all again.

I'm discovering things about myself that have been there all along. Persistence, dedication, and a certain level of charm. I think it's good that I'm finding parts of myself I don't utterly despise.

Rock and roll.

independent we stand, independent we fall.

I'm surprised. That idea of the cliched movie character, I never thought that could actually happen in real life. But, a year on and here we are. It's starting to outwardly influence my mood, which is never a good thing, especially when it's over something you have every intention of keeping to yourself.

I'm turning to anything to occupy myself, something to take my mind to the innocent moments of my childhood, something that allows me to seem like a different person. In that world, I'd be someone of note, a trainer who excelled at what he set out to do. But in this world, I am nothing of note, utterly outclassed by the people around me, so it's no wonder this is what I have been reduced to.

No more literary metaphors, I'm sick of complaining. Writing here doesn't help anymore, I just force it to keep up my entries. Clearing my head is pointless when my head is entirely clear to begin with. And I'm out of veiled one-liners. Fuck it.

how darkly the dark hand met his end;

I feel like no matter how much changes, I will still find some way to relate to Ibsen's "Hedda Gabler". When I first read it, I was shocked at how much I related to Tesman, the naive man who was so devoted to the woman he cared so much about, blind to her faults, simple to the cruelty of the outside world. But recently, I'm not acting so much like Jorgen Tesman.

I think that when first receiving bad (possibly unfortunate is a better word for this scenario) news, the only appropriate action is denial. It's what makes us human, we will fight off the idea that something is not as it seems, regardless of the facts at hand. To be a human IS to be Jorgen Tesman in a way, that ability to turn a blind eye to the negatives and only focus on the positives is inherent in all people.

But, to be Ejlert Lovborg is something different entirely. To know full well of the manipulations and machinations of the people around us, and yet remain there as something you initially had no desire to take part in, is not quite foolishness. The foolishness remains in his questioning of Hedda's motives, to ask if she was being honest with him, to believe there was that connection, that is Lovborg's fatal flaw; he cares.

However, is it really a flaw to care? We, as people, are not a carbon copy of Dexter Morgan, and trying to be can only isolate us, turning us into a shadow of Patrick Bateman, the anger associated with trying to rid one's self of emotion can often lead to a temporary loss of sanity for as long as we attempt this foolish endeavour.

But I digress; there is no shame in finding similarity with Lovborg, I've come to realize. Lovborg is the one character that shows strength enough to move out of the puppeteer-like control of Hedda. Here's to hoping that when I finally find my Thea Elvsted, the person who can provide me with genuine inspiration and compassion, I can make a 'beautiful' exit on my comrade. Ha.

i thought you'd mean it.

Me and Him Call It Us is the band I wish I was in. Sure, it would be over now, but there would be that sense of accomplishment for making the noise I currently do as a half-hearted joke. I wish National Sunday Law Crisis would be more, but it's never really played out like that. I can't find anyone interested in grind, I can't find any jazz guitarists willing to experiment, and I want to try this in a new group of people.

Unfortunately, new people aren't that easy to come by.

I almost didn't write about this. I had a different ending, I was willing to just bypass it, maybe try and play it down. But it feels so strange to be rejected by someone you worked so hard for, even if I have spent the last few years rejecting him. Although, that is the reason behind my resentment. As a child, no one wants to be seen as responsible for their father's death. And considering I was probably the reason behind the divorce, I thought I may as well give it my all to make sure he didn't kill himself. And then he found a reason to be happy, and I wasn't needed anymore.

The idea of being replaced is something I've grown to fear so much. I try to make myself essential to my friends, try to offer something they could never replace. I guess that could be another reason behind National Sunday Law Crisis; something unique and unforgettable. It's really not. It's not funny, it's not good. It's memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. Maybe that's why I fit into it so well. Maybe that's why I desire for it to succeed so much. Maybe if this awful thing can find it's way into the hearts of some, the same could be said for me.

Really, if I cared for my friends, I'd encourage them to replace me. After all, I'm the one who condones editing a friend group to make it the best of the best. Keeping me in is a stupid play on any account. I'm a liability, a wild card depending on the day. Anyone who I've had respect for thus far should know that, and should deal with that accordingly.

It's just another one of those fucking nights where I realize nothing is going right anymore, and I'm powerless to fix it.

your words fly like secret pathways through my spine.

I like how I don't learn from the past and from my most painful mistakes. I like how I operate with blind optimism and hope, despite already having lived this. I like how I can function in these circumstances better than I can under real pressure, considering in these I know I'll end up with nothing contrasted against the stressful days when I end up with everything.

It's kind of morbid to even consider this again. But really, it's the one thing that would solidly improve my life. Or so it appears.

I also like that this is my most powerful occasion of having nothing but contempt for the human race, yet it's the most content I've been in months.

As this entry shows, I like my life the most when I'm a fucking idiot. Oh well.

if i wanted to die before i got old, i should've started some years ago.

I remember I had a reason for writing this. Not just in this case, because I've forgotten the basic point I hoped to achieve, but as a blog. I used it to get the facts out and work out the problems in my life in a logical, Holmes-ian way. These days, not so much.

I'm counting down the days until I'm out of this pattern I've had myself in for the last 13 years. Changes over time, but still the same old formula of the same old people and the same old activities. And as with majority of constants, the process gets old and tired before long and leaves you wanting something new, something different. Hell, something terrifying, even.

I don't even have escapism anymore. The brief attempts to alleviate my condition of overthinking and get myself out of my head no longer work, perhaps the fact that it's just a placebo has been realized.

I'm not going to finish this. I wish I had spent more energy on this earlier, but right now, I don't have the fucking effort in me. A break can really take it out of you.

And new Brand New is fucking disappointing. Fuck you Jesse Lacey, you piece of shit.

i know i'm not useful anyhow, so let me stick around.

This blog of mine is fucked and bi-polar. Every entry contradicts the last. But I'm a sucker for routine, so this will be no exception.

However, this isn't a complaining entry. It's not an entry where I say "what's wrong with me, because something clearly is." I lack confidence, I lack social skills in specific situations, and I push away the people around me. However, I lack confidence from my past views of myself, I lack those direst social skills due to my disappearance of confidence under the influence of alcohol that provides an escape from my own head, and I push away the people who care about me because, is it possible, they aren't what I need?

I've become apathetic about life, and, excuse the pun, I don't care. I'm content with that fact, because in reality, apathy is one of the things that can really get me through, and I'm so sure of it. Apathy excludes that part of my brain that can't seem to tell the difference between physical and actual attraction, so it's really a required trait these days. Or, it would be, if I could ever manage to hook up.

I'm looking forward to culling my friend group down to a specific minimum, and then inviting in the people I wish I were better friends with. It's an interesting process, breeding out the bad genes yet keeping the ones that are essential to the survival of, well, me. I suppose it's probably bad to look at my past experiences with friends as just that, experiments to achieve my own ends, but the apathy kicks in here too, reassuring myself that if I don't look out for myself above others, I'll never have my dreams come true.

There are those small amount that I do value above all else. Well, out of everyone, it's an even smaller amount that fall into that category. I no longer look at myself and think, "you're being an idiot, you're being a self-destructive idiot", because in reality, I'm doing what I need to. I think that my recent past experiences have taught me that, and it's something I need to remember.

I think that maybe I'm beginning to live my life by Jack Shepherd's famous line, "live together, die alone", that while I can be surrounded by all the people currently in my life, at the end of the day, it's only me that I can count on. And I'm proud that it's finally kicking in.

So expect another entry when I change my mind again and decide to develop feelings for someone I'm blatantly incompatible with just because of a sense of unity in one tiny aspect of life, or a newfound appreciation and respect for something I might have known if I had simply open my mouth and talked to someone before making a judgement call. Or maybe my life will end up perfect and I will never have to use this again with the exception of gloating about how it all worked out for me and how I did it on my own.

Ha. Good one.

this is one more late-night basement talk

I'm surprised. Shit is working out. Last week of term, and there's no problems outside of a SAC I'm not prepared for, and I don't even care. Not stressed, not overworked. Holidays are packed with good shit, the girl I'm keen on likes me back, and I'm just looking towards the future without anything worth getting depressed over and everything to be optimistic about.

I have less than five months of school left. I have incredible friends that I'm glad I worked hard to keep, or make amends to, and I have a stable job which funds my stupid plans.

LIFE. IS. GOLD.

that common conversation, it took everything i got.

Hardly a notable entry. A rude awakening to the way the world works tonight, and I guess it's good that I relearnt my place. I'm kind of depressed about it, but I know it's not even worth stressing over, because in a week, it'll be over and I'll have found something new to stress over. I just need to remember, I shouldn't begin caring about people. Of course, not like I don't remind myself of that frequently.

I do often both love and hate my attention span.

my heart is a harpsichord.

I haven't been back here in a long time, and not really for good reason. My life has been a bit of a mess for a while now, anger and depression arising on nearly a daily basis, but for a while I was able to fight them off and act normal.

The constant encircling of friends and acquaintances lately has led to a recent bout of self-destruction on my account. It's funny though, some fight really hard to stay in there, and that makes me want to push them away even more. I'm sure one day I'll get around to picking up a book on psychology and discovering why that is, but for now, there's not really much point.

There's easily less than twenty people I consider really close, but I think (read: hope) now that I've had and solved the outburst, it may just resolve itself. Either way, I'm not too fussed; the people I do truly enjoy being around make up for the others without a doubt.

I'm really only doing this as a way of putting off my literature homework, which is significantly more difficult now that I've typed up all the things I've already done, as well as finding a way to pass the time until I apologise again for fucking up to a really good friend who I hurt through saying stupid things. Yet, for some reason, I'm so absolutely content, not worried about not having read the poems, not worried about having my apology rejected because I feel this time I really have gone too far, not about anything.

Maybe I'm too far gone. Maybe I just don't care anymore. Only time will tell.

your hand in mine.

Well, I'm sitting here killing time before End of Evangelion starts on SBS with some Explosions in the Sky playing, and I feel completely unburdened.

It might just be the post rock, it might just be the realization that shit people can be exiled from your life (even if it does take about two-three months and several attempts to realize it), but fuck it. Soothing ambience and a victory over one's mind are all that I need.

Now, to go absorb myself into some mind-numbingly depressing anime.

Fuck. Love life.