saeglopur.

So much for the two months estimate.

Yet again, my inability to keep my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut jeopardises the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed. Well, a friendship, but it's one that plays a large part in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed.

It's funny, almost Shakespearean, in a way. The very outcome I feared would happen has, and I'm entirely to blame. I feel that if I wasn't paranoid enough to come up with these scenarios, I wouldn't be trapped in one right now.

I'm not quite sure what I hoped to accomplish by typing all this out. It's a strange situation, and really, the only thing to do is just wait it out and hope for the best. Odds are, I'm making this entirely more melodramatic than it actually is, but let's be honest: if I didn't do that with everything, I wouldn't have the need for this blog.

i got soul doubt.

Life continues to be at a high, but in all seriousness, it's the holidays and that's no real accomplishment. I'm enjoying myself so far, the band has enough material for a demo, been hanging out with some top people, but as I stated not too long ago, this isn't a place for the events, it's a place for reflecting on them and how they affect me.

There's really only one thing that I need to make a decision on, something that I'm kind of struggling to deal with, and could end up being fair big if I don't decide something soon. It's strange, it shouldn't affect me at all, but it's affecting my views on certain things. I'm pretty sure I'll end up making a mature choice on the matter, even if I have been acting somewhat immature about it, but there's nothing to stress over.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. My life isn't really going full force right now, I suppose I just felt I should put an update in so I don't forget about this place for when I really need it. I don't see that happening for at least another two months.

explanations turn to expectations

I know I'll always make an entry like this a mere few days before I regret it wholeheartedly, but this time feels so true. My life is going so well. I haven't been depressed at all in over a week, which although not sounding like much, is a decent accomplishment.

I've made it through this term surprisingly easy, and I feel like I've got almost everything sorted out. There's one small factor I'm going to deal with soon, but until then, I feel like I should just let everything just kind of run itself out. After all, I don't often get the time to appreciate these moods.

I have band practice and a hair cut tomorrow, three days of school, and then going to the city on Saturday to get new clothes. I'm not just happy, I'm feeling confident, I'm feeling content with who I am. I'm feeling like the perfect balance of old and new Nick.

I also feel that my discussions with Sara have helped me come to this realization, so for the first time ever in blog history, I'm going to give named thanks. Thanks, Sara.

you ain't nothin' but a dead duck; i ain't nothin', but a hound dog

I will never feel more relaxed and at peace with both myself, and the world, than when I listen to Brand New.

Jesse Lacey, you're a brilliant man.

fix you with cement galloshes.

I'm feeling so isolated and antisocial over the last few days. I'm not even putting in an effort anymore, and it feels like I'm slowly shutting down on the inside, like I'm retreating into some kind of fucking fantasy world.

I don't even feel realistic anymore. There's no reason for me to be depressed. My life is amazing, I'm so much better off than so many people, so why do I feel the need to complain all the time? But, because I'm aware of this, I feel like that's why I'm not discussing it; because I have no explanation as to why it's happening.

I think though, if I actually can overcome this by myself, it'll accomplish so much more than when I simply rely on others to get me through the hard times. Like, maybe I'll be able to finally man up and get over all of this.

fly to live; aces high.

I'm enjoying life. Everything is going so amazing. A renewed interest in guitar provides me with an outlet for boredom, my allergies are gone, and I'm finally showing initiative and studying for my business exam (which is on Friday).

I should maybe be stressing at least a little bit about my upcoming exams, but I feel like I can cruise through them. If I don't set goals, I won't be let down, and I'm 100% sure I won't fail anything (except for maybe business, which is why I'm studying).

I no longer feel that I let myself down. I'm happy with myself and the things I do. Or, at least I am for now, and considering this is usually the point where I'm depressed as ever, I think it's an amazing accomplishment for me.

I'm actually feeling content with everything. The fact I can just sit through Shuffle without feeling the need to change anything is pretty neat, and fairly symbolic; everything that's getting thrown at me is different, but still somewhat enjoyable and I can deal with it.

For once, I am truly happy.

cut myself wide open on this stage as I am paid to spill my guts

This isn't a place for the events of my life. The people who read this are probably pretty aware of what's going on with me, and I think it's pretty cool that I don't have to rehash anything here, it's all just new material that relates to the side of me even those few rarely see.

Last night, some shit happened, and I got fairly upset. I'm not going to go into it, because almost no one knows and I don't feel like talking about it, but I realize now how lucky I am to have friends that are there to support me when I really need it.

If anything, this update is just here to say thankyou to all of those people I really do care about; you make my life a much easier task to live, and the level of gratitude I feel towards all of you really doesn't have words.

This is directed to all of you who play a part in the mixed-genre series of my life; the people I can trust with my secrets, the people who offer distractions from the monotony of real life, the people I can have real conversations with and even the people who I just joke around with:

you guys honestly mean the world to me.

mourn the rubble before the dust hits the floor.

I've been so angry today. I have no idea what's going on, I'm just frustrated with myself, even though I've been so happy lately. Life seems to be going perfectly, I've got an amazing weekend coming up and I've been looking forward to it for so long, I just find it strange to get in such a bad mood today of all days.

To be honest, I'm expecting to be severely let down this weekend. It's as if my life was going too well lately, I have to be ready for it to come crashing down around me.

It's days like this which is why I'll never understand myself fully.

the realization that I still don't know what I'm doing here.

In recent days, I've truly come to appreciate Isolation as an album. There's something about it that can enhance any situation, yet bring rationality to one's mind in the span of a 25 minute, 10 song masterpiece of Australian music. I also find that it is ironic that this album has kept me from feeling utterly isolated from everyone and everything lately.

I've been feeling really stable lately. I've gotten depressed and angry, but for the most part, I've tried to deal with it maturely, and I honestly believe that I have. However, that being said, I'm expecting a lot of neutrality and apathy in my actions in the future, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose it's not fantastic either, but it could be far worse, in my eyes anyway.

I still can't shift the blame back onto stress or anxiety from school for when I feel strange, but at least I feel like I know the cause of my stability; my friends and my music, the two things I could not live without.

You never know, my cash coming in could buy me some temporary happiness, and I know exactly the first item I'm picking up; Isolation.

every man needs a muse.

I'm not in the fucking mood for life.

I'm sick. I've struggled to fucking breathe all day, every time I close my eyes they water, which really isn't helping the way I feel. My nose is killing me, and the pressure on my chest is unbelievable.

I'm constantly tired. I can't fall asleep at night, I don't know if it's because of the holidays, daylight savings time or the fact I constantly have things on my mind, but I feel like I'm always awake, never getting a chance to truly appreciate sleep, and sleep is one of the many things I need right now.

I've been back at school two days, and already, massive mood swings and a lot of depression is hitting me. When I'm with my friends, I can manage, but at nearly any other point, something will set me off, and I just feel empty, alone and pathetic to be feeling like this, to have fallen so far from the confident, life-loving Nick of the holidays.

I'm feeling like everything I've ever felt was a lie, a deception. I'm second guessing myself constantly, and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to break that 27-month streak of not crying and just get shit out of my system, yell, break shit, whatever. I need to do something to let off steam, and I just can't find the right outlet. And, honestly, I need to find a way soon, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I never thought I'd be this person.

close your eyes to see.

Well, after a fortnight of paradise, I have to descend back into the world that, quite frankly, I don't want to be a part of. I'm not going to go on about school, because I'll assume all my frequent readers know my opinion on that, but I will say I'm about ready to quit the whole ordeal.

Tonight is weird. I'm not depressed, but I feel entirely empty and, pretty much, without a point in my life. I'm going to say this in the least suicidal way possible, but I have entirely no point for living. Don't get me wrong, my life is ace, but I have no goals, no aspirations, nothing to wake up for in the morning, and the fact of the matter is, it absolutely sucks. The holidays were awesome, because not only was I not confined to a schedule, I had things to attain, goals and whatnot. I guess when I keep myself occupied, there's a lot less time to think about the things I'm lacking, and with school coming back, I now have all the time in the world to waste on these thoughts.

I guess I'll just have to wait it out until the Christmas holidays to start enjoying myself and life again. Oh well. Only a month and a half until exams, and then I can make the transition from apathy to wholehearted enjoyment.

Let's see if I make it.

looking to start an ETID-influenced band.

Got some riffs going, looking for people who are interested and can bring something to the mix.

Contact me on myspace or MSN and let me know, I want to get this started pretty soon if at all possible.

MSN: the_fall_of_nicholas@hotmail.com
MYSPACE: www.myspace.com/death_roullete

Think about the possibilities.

"Fuck this, I'm going".

Well, first up, life updates. 2/5 on holiday goals (urinal wank, Clockwork Orange). I've been listening to Pro Team non-stop, I only wish I got into them earlier so I could've seen them live. New Fall of Troy is shaping up to be amazing, Thomas Erak is leaning towards more of a melodic singing-style which really suits his voice. Bought the jacket, looks top as.

But, all is not well. I recently went out to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a few friends entirely as a joke, assuming that it looked so awful it could only be good. How mistaken we turned out to be.
With five minutes of the movie beginning, we were already swearing at the screen, and Tim walked out around 20 minutes in. He came back, of course, but still, to push someone to that level so early on was astounding. I have never felt a desire to die more than when I saw this movie. The thing is, it was so bad, I recommend anyone to see it, just to see how horrible it truly is. I can't sum up the atrocity in mere words, although, we managed to create a list of things it was worse than (including Daddy Day Camp, The Nanny and any Australian drama).

Top movie, check it out.

a change of scenery provides new-found confidence.

First of all, holidays have been amazing so far. Matt's place, city, hanging out with mates, it's been so good. Probably helping my state of mind, too. Picked up my first hard copy of a Godspeed You! Black Emperor album (listening through it right this second) and found a jacket I'm going to go back to the city and buy late this week/early next week, so if anyone wants in, I need people to go with.

But, I think the best part is that a 20 minute walk in the rain, listening to Reel Big Fish, has made me feel revitalized to the world. I have two weeks to enjoy myself, two weeks to get shit done, and I'm going to use those two weeks to the best of my ability, make them memorable, and not back down where I might have in the past.

And then, back to the pointless times of my life.

apathy and low-flying dreams.

It's funny. In this world of excessive greed and dreams that will go unfulfilled, someone who wants to merely get by with a dream job that is below the norm is seen as the strange one.

My dream job would be to work at a CD store, recommend people music they may enjoy, things like that. So, in this case, why am I even bothering at trying to perfect myself at unnecessary arts? Will a successful exam in VCE Literature better my chances at getting a job at Missing Link? Will suppliers only sell me CDs to stock depending on my Business Management SAC marks? No, and it's stupid to think otherwise.

I'm feeling entirely apathetic towards school work, and just school in general. Gone are the days when the idea of learning actually entertained my childish mind, because now I realize that we don't actually learn anything. We learn, I suppose, but it is in essence, nothing. Stem and leaf plots, management of change, analytical essays of newspaper articles. When will any one of us use these in a non-satirical context?

There's no point in setting high goals, the pessimist in me knows they won't come true, and the optimist has given up trying to convince me that it could happen, because let's face it, it's not like my track record for miracles has been high thus far.

Then again, the Hadron Collider gets turned on tomorrow, so even planning for this weekend might be conceited. Looks like there's hope for the optimist after all.

remember me as a time of day.

So, I'm sitting here, Explosions in the Sky yet again playing over pleasant, reminiscent thoughts, and if such a thing was possible, nostalgic hopes for the future. My life is finally starting to be where I want it. I have my friends, some of the best people I'll ever meet, I have my music, I like someone, and it just seems like everything couldn't be better for me right now.

However, just because I'm thinking of the good times, doesn't mean there weren't bad times. And I think now is as good of a time as any to address these. So, I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to apologise for all the immaturity, all the things I regret doing in my past. To those I've hurt, to those I've caused any inconvenience for, I'm sorry.

I was a pretty shit person to those who never even deserved it. Those who I felt never gave me the chance, so I never gave them a chance. The "eye for an eye" mentality doesn't work in the real world, I realize that now.

If I wanted people to remember me as a time of day, I'd want a summer's sunset, as it's pretty much the best point of the year ever. I don't want to be remembered as an overly hot, spring's day where hayfever does little more than irritate one to the point of anger.

With that, I'm going to bed. Let's see how everything stands when I get back.

ah, the downfall is almost worth it.

On a massive high at the moment. I got The Devil and God on, I'm chatting with some people, and I'm just in a really happy and talkative mood.

It almost feels as if it's the first time I'm watching a movie, when you don't know that the twist is coming. And, I can assure you, the twist will surely be coming.

Oh well. It's almost worth it for how I feel right now.

where to begin...

My name is Nicholas. My life revolves mainly around music, the internet and other such usual activities of a generic teenager trying to live an ungeneric life. I go to shows, I go to parties, and lastly and most unfortunately, I go to school.

I have no idea about what my future will be. I have no idea what to aspire towards. I realize that if I set goals, there's the overwhelming possibility (and probability) that they won't come true, so I try to live each day at a time. Also, there's the fact I don't want to be tied into a job I'll ultimately despise until the day when I decide I've had enough and end it.

The title of this blog, "deja entendu", literally translates to "heard it before". I thought it was a fitting title, as it seems to be a motto I'm living my life by. I'm listening to the same songs, I'm living the same moments and the same mistakes, it's like I don't even learn half the time. It's also the title of the album released by my favourite band (Brand New, get into them) that marks the change from pop-punk to a deeper and darker sound that helps me get through most days, but that's another story for another time.

This is just a way to get the thoughts in my head onto paper, or in this case, a blog. It gives me an outlet, and for those who care, a window into the life I don't often show others. Also, there's the possibility someone may be able to relate, and really, that's all we look for. Similarity. It's ironic, we all try to be unique, but at the end of the day, we just want someone who can understand what we're talking about.

I guess that's life.