Wednesday, October 8, 2008

every man needs a muse.

I'm not in the fucking mood for life.

I'm sick. I've struggled to fucking breathe all day, every time I close my eyes they water, which really isn't helping the way I feel. My nose is killing me, and the pressure on my chest is unbelievable.

I'm constantly tired. I can't fall asleep at night, I don't know if it's because of the holidays, daylight savings time or the fact I constantly have things on my mind, but I feel like I'm always awake, never getting a chance to truly appreciate sleep, and sleep is one of the many things I need right now.

I've been back at school two days, and already, massive mood swings and a lot of depression is hitting me. When I'm with my friends, I can manage, but at nearly any other point, something will set me off, and I just feel empty, alone and pathetic to be feeling like this, to have fallen so far from the confident, life-loving Nick of the holidays.

I'm feeling like everything I've ever felt was a lie, a deception. I'm second guessing myself constantly, and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to break that 27-month streak of not crying and just get shit out of my system, yell, break shit, whatever. I need to do something to let off steam, and I just can't find the right outlet. And, honestly, I need to find a way soon, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I never thought I'd be this person.

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