Sunday, August 2, 2009

i know i'm not useful anyhow, so let me stick around.

This blog of mine is fucked and bi-polar. Every entry contradicts the last. But I'm a sucker for routine, so this will be no exception.

However, this isn't a complaining entry. It's not an entry where I say "what's wrong with me, because something clearly is." I lack confidence, I lack social skills in specific situations, and I push away the people around me. However, I lack confidence from my past views of myself, I lack those direst social skills due to my disappearance of confidence under the influence of alcohol that provides an escape from my own head, and I push away the people who care about me because, is it possible, they aren't what I need?

I've become apathetic about life, and, excuse the pun, I don't care. I'm content with that fact, because in reality, apathy is one of the things that can really get me through, and I'm so sure of it. Apathy excludes that part of my brain that can't seem to tell the difference between physical and actual attraction, so it's really a required trait these days. Or, it would be, if I could ever manage to hook up.

I'm looking forward to culling my friend group down to a specific minimum, and then inviting in the people I wish I were better friends with. It's an interesting process, breeding out the bad genes yet keeping the ones that are essential to the survival of, well, me. I suppose it's probably bad to look at my past experiences with friends as just that, experiments to achieve my own ends, but the apathy kicks in here too, reassuring myself that if I don't look out for myself above others, I'll never have my dreams come true.

There are those small amount that I do value above all else. Well, out of everyone, it's an even smaller amount that fall into that category. I no longer look at myself and think, "you're being an idiot, you're being a self-destructive idiot", because in reality, I'm doing what I need to. I think that my recent past experiences have taught me that, and it's something I need to remember.

I think that maybe I'm beginning to live my life by Jack Shepherd's famous line, "live together, die alone", that while I can be surrounded by all the people currently in my life, at the end of the day, it's only me that I can count on. And I'm proud that it's finally kicking in.

So expect another entry when I change my mind again and decide to develop feelings for someone I'm blatantly incompatible with just because of a sense of unity in one tiny aspect of life, or a newfound appreciation and respect for something I might have known if I had simply open my mouth and talked to someone before making a judgement call. Or maybe my life will end up perfect and I will never have to use this again with the exception of gloating about how it all worked out for me and how I did it on my own.

Ha. Good one.

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