blank.

I've never felt more emotional than I have lately. It might be because I'm getting less and less sleep, it might be because due to a lack of routine I spend countless hours overanalysing things, but I feel like it's mostly due to the fact I'm not resisting change anymore.

I think it's amazing that after all of these attempts to change the way I feel about things, it all came down to one word. I know that this blind hope of everything just falling into place is not something I should be solely relying on. I know I need to experience things, rather than isolating myself from the world because I feel like it has nothing to offer me.

It's easy enough to say all this now. Writing a blog does nothing to ensure change. In fact, if anything, it takes away the motivation by getting it out there and keeps me from dwelling on it, which is actually a good thing. I feel that I've taken enough measures to ensure that I'll follow through this time. I can't keep living like this, and this is the wake-up call I needed.

there's no lyrics for this entry.

Whenever I listen to "Your Hand In Mine", I feel like I want to be in love. It's the kind of song you'd be with someone to, the kind of song that would play as you watched the sunset or something. This sentimentality has encompassed my life lately, and as much as I try to fight it off, part of me doesn't even want to. This lets me feel something, lets me hope that one day I can have this and be as happy as I feel when I'm listening to this and imagining it.

I think I'm going to spend this summer taking chances and trying to find this idea of true love. It's really stupid, especially at the age of almost-18, when I should really just be having fun and doing stupid things that don't involve making a lifelong commitment, but I don't want to. I think that this summer would be best spent in disappointment and heartbreak. This is another one of my finest decisions.

lonely train.

This is another night of plans falling through, another night of regression and reclusion, but most importantly, it's another night where cynicism and logic moves back to make room for regret, sentimentality and most of all, loneliness. It's nights like these that impact upon me the most.

I often worry about losing the people that I hold closest to me. I feel like I haven't carved a suitable enough mark on their lives, and it concerns me that one day they could all just wake up and decide that they didn't need me anymore. I suppose it's a common and human concern; I don't find it hard to believe that people worry about losing the people they care about the most. I just wish there was a way that I could get a break from these thoughts, have my mind at ease for just a few days.

But now I've realized that these problems are only going to get worse from here on out. School's over, I'm not going to see everyone every day, which means my impact on their lives are going to decrease. What if I wake up one day in 3 or 4 years and just realize that I've lost everyone? I'm someone who relies on other people to live, I can't be a solitary person for an extended period of time. The thought of it scares me to death.

blood lost in a bathroom stall.

Well, the school portion of my life is almost over. I have one exam left, and I feel proud to say that I will have passed, and passed fairly decently, with less than the bare minimum.

I decided to write this update for the usual reason of clearing my head, but really, my head is the clearest it's been in months. I know why the stupid thoughts I have are there, I know the way to avoid them, and I know about the loneliness that is really the reason behind both of those problems.

I know there's no way I'll get what I want, so I'll take the bare minimum. I'm used to that by now, and even though it's frustrating, it's the way I work. That idea of keeping certain people in your life, no matter how shit it is under the circumstances, is something I've grown to be a part of.

This is a bad update. But I haven't done one in a while. I often wonder, 'what if I had started this blog and only done updates in the style of Something Awful?' Well, this blog would be more entertaining, probably. But, it would also accomplish nothing.

icelandic lyrics.

Were my life a TV show, with seperate arcs representing my daily 'trials', I feel that this blog is what the narrator would have to offer the audience at the beginning and end of the episodes. And, as my life is, I feel as though another arc may be wrapping up.

I feel I've learnt a lot from this chapter. I've learnt to work for the things I want, the people I want to be around me. But, at the same time, I now know that I have to learn to cut these things, and not get invested in a lost cause. And, perhaps the most important thing, no matter how impressive someone seems, there will always be someone similar, someone slightly different yet the same in everything you want.

There's part of me that wants to scrap this, not close this chapter so early on. There's something about this girl that's different, unique, something I want to work even harder to pursue, even I though I'm so aware that it'll end in depression and my usual form of seeing everything as tragedy. But, at the same time, that logical side knows it's best to put it to bed, focus on the upcoming weeks that will determine my next few years.

So maybe it's best to say that it's not abandoned, but put on hiatus. But then again, hiatus is just a way of easing the concept to those who aren't ready to hear that it's over. If it's good enough for Godspeed You! Black Emperor, it's good enough for me.

i try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies.

Brief lapse in my (hopefully) new attitude to life, last night. Lost confidence, and for a while was considering giving up on what I wanted to achieve. But, I reassessed the situation, and even though I pretty much fucked up again, I'm confident I can solve this.

I'm finally seeing good aspects of myself as well as the overwhelming list of negatives, and I'm seeing now that I do have potential. I have capability, I'm ingenuitive enough in new situations, and I can win a crowd over. I just need to remember this when I'm in the middle of it.

Improvement can take a while, but, again, I'm confident that I can fix this. Optimism feels so strange.

send this smile over you.

There's something comforting about nerves playing up, after they wear down a bit. You realize that, while they may have been acting up due to an unwanted outcome, there is always the desired outcome that could be lost. And while sometimes that may make you more nervous than before, it can also calm you down.

Far be it from me to be offering optimistic points of view, but I'm feeling a bit of a change in my actions and my being, lately. The confidence associated with this change I'm experiencing is good, and a welcome change from the general neurosis and pessimism. I think most importantly, I'm experiencing some well-needed relatability from people outside of my casual group, which both gets me out of my comfort zone, as well as shows me I'm really not alone in who I am.

I think this is probably what Billy Corgan will feel like after he finally gets Dave Grohl and finishes his Nirvana collection. I don't know if Krist Novoselic is dead, but hey, neither does the rest of the world.